Friday, March 16, 2018

Apocalypse 2Night: What Could Go Wrong?

A Silicon Valley startup that literally wants to kill you so it can preserve your brain for future digitizing and uploading? 

What could go wrong? Sign me up already.

Here's a good one: how about erecting a massive suspension bridge across a busy highway without properly testing its structural integrity?

Sure, go for it. What could go wrong?

Or maybe run a detour around the giant, deadly, untested structure next time? 

Just a suggestion.

Hey; you know what we really need? A corrupt and rapacious regime - widely hated in the region and by very many of its own subjects and prone to Game of Thrones-type palace intrigues - loaded up with some nuclear-type A-bombs. 

I mean, what could go wrong?

Speaking of Game of Thrones, what's a Roman-type Triumvirate without some backstabbing and double-crossing? Bor-ing. 

So it's looking like after taking major attacks from right-wingers like Mike Cernovich and Frank Gaffney, HR McMaster's the latest Trump staffer to be figuratively led to Madame Guillotine.

Love to know who's actually in charge down there. Actually, maybe I wouldn't.

Because it so happens that McMaster's exit coincides with what is starting to look like the most serious death march towards Armageddon that we've seen in quite some time. Who needs a death-cultist like ol' Shaky "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up" McPantsuit when Donny the T is in the house, right? 

Let those birds fly, T-man. Tell the Vlad the Cad this here's a special delivery from Uncle Sam.

And you wonder why I don't vote.

Maybe you shouldn't either, not this year, at least. Because on many ballots it looks like your choice will be Scorpion A vs. Scorpion B. Or Cancer vs. AIDS. 

Or more precisely, Spy vs. Spy.

Now everything is starting to make sense; the hostile takeover of the Democratic Party by the intelligence services, the crackdown on free expression, the incessant McCarthyite propagandizing in ostensibly liberal newspapers. 

I'll let the late, great John Graham Mellor ask us all that timeless musical question...

And hot diggity, if it ain't our old friend Boris "The Road to Mandalay" Johnson, stirrin' the pot. 

Outstanding; the gang's all here. Roll out the tophets!

In a special Secret Sun exclusive, our old pal Lee Ving is here to provide his own unique musical rendition of the conference call between NATO leaders recently. 

Interpretive dance provided by all and sundry.

It's looking like the pretext for all this are these alleged hits on Russian double-agents in London. 

Sounds reasonable to start a world-ending war over that, right? After all, it's not like the US or its allies other countries...

Say, how about that professional sports club over there? Go Team!

All this intrigue kind of reminds me in a weird way of that white-powder attack on Trump II and his wife. And oddly enough, now the two are splitting. What a world, eh? Its ways are strange and baffling to me.

And today we heard about a Blackhawk- well, Pave Hawk--Down situation in Iraq. Huh. I thought that war business was all wrapped up some time ago. Odd, eh? 

This just a few days after another helicopter accident in the East River near Gracie Mansion (the Mayor's residence).  A group of young men in their 20s died, quite sadly. Military-age, you might say, apropos of nothing in particular.

Weird old story there; apparently the chopper was in ship-shape. Weird; lot of helicopters going down recently. Or have you noticed? 

While we're at it, did you happen to notice this as well? Funny, I'm old enough to remember when the mainstream media either ignored UFOs or ridiculed them. Then again, there's a bag of salt-and-vinegar potato chips in my kitchen cabinet that is as well. 

Just kidding; I threw it out this morning. The "best used by" date was over a week ago. Gross.

From our "Of Course They Did" newsdesk comes this headline. A futuristic playground for the .01% built by slave labor is the AI-powered state of tomorrow? 

What could go wrong!

Especially given that Dubai actually means "Breeding Ground of the Locusts." 

Man, I don't know about you but all this great news sure as shootin' has got me walking on sunshine these days. 

Yes indeed, happy days are here again. Why? Well, because now Wal*Mart is patenting AI-powered robot bees. 

Wal*Mart, mind you. Yeah, that's not even vaguely X-Files. 

Certainly not in light of all the rumors that Wal*Mart is closing all their Sam's Club stores so that FEMA can convert them to detention centers and/or underground shelters. 

Ah, the hell with that Alex Jones crazytalk. Bees ahoy, mateys! Don't spare the hornets! 

I mean, what could go wrong?

Speaking of internet rumors, let's debunk one right now: homeless folks aren't being disappeared from major cities because of some human experimentation program or whatever paranoid bullshit your crazy uncle bends your ear about. It so happens they're finding employment. 

As WiFi hotspots. Ahh, the dignity of labor. 

And just so you know, I placed this clipping in my "Totally not a bullshit story planted in the media purely for some arcane ritual purpose" folder.

Then I realized my mistake and put it where it actually belongs.

Oddly enough, I also placed this story in my "Totally not a bullshit story planted in the media purely for some arcane ritual purpose" folder.

Then I remembered those old "John the Baptist in Space" posts and put this one where it belongs as well.

Still on the fence where this one goes. 

This one I'm a bit more confident about. 

So here's where I'm at; I'm thinking the Orange NASA Twins clipping will go into the "Freakish Twin Space-Aliens" folder with this little gem about the Olsen Twins.

I'm also thinking I need to reopen my Heath Ledger case-file. 

This one too, seeing how she ate her twin in the womb and became a chimera. And he all went to her hips, the poor dear.

Speaking of chimeras, I'm still debating where this one needs to go as well.  

You know, sometimes when I've been up all night and those weird thoughts start racing through my head, I start thinking all this chimera stuff in the science news is all just warming us up for the creation of real chimeras such as bubble-eyed dogboys, merpeople, ladybirds, what have you. 

Then I get a grip and laugh it all off as the delusions of an overactive imagination.

Then I read shit like this and realize I'm not crazy; science is.

"DIY genetic engineers." That sounds like a wacky lyric off an old Gary Numan record or a character in a William Gibson short story, no? Well, good news, aging Cyberpunks; it's here and it's now. 

Amateurs dicking around with the human genome? Awesome sauce. 

What could go wrong, I ask you?

Oh, thank God; someone finally said out loud what all of us have been thinking all along.

God damn; thank you so, so much, David Barish, for standing up for such an important cause. The "New Soviet Man" is finally here!

You sir, have given voice to the voiceless by having the guts to shout to the rooftops that what the world really needs is a new species of CRISPR chimera with the intelligence of a human being and the superhuman strength and psychotic bloodlust of a chimpanzee. 

Something that can hack your cellphone and rip you limb from limb without breaking a sweat. Oh, I could just kiss you, Dr. Barish.

Really; what could go wrong?

This quote just made my day:

"Worth the sacrifice paid by a few unfortunates." Oh man, tattoo that little pearl of wisdom across my forehead already. Yours too. 

Seriously, good ol' Josef couldn't have said it better himself. Words to live by.

What's that? No, I meant Josef Stalin, not Josef Mengele. But hey; six of one, half-dozen of the other, am I right? 

I got a real swell idea, Doc; how's about you and Dickie Dawkins join forces and whip up some lab-ground humanzee meat for those Spirit Cooking shopping list needs? 

Hey, how about some lab-grown humanzee hot dogs or some lab-grown humanzee pepperoni  pie with walnut sauce?

Bon appetit, if you get my meaning, Doctor B ;-)  

POSTSCRIPT: And one last exophilia-conditioning program nugget for you all: this cheeky little headline about the Denisovans that just radiates ancient astro-naughty kink for all you Tsoukalos-groupies out there.

They're really ginning up the exophiliac-hybridomania out there these days, eh? The Best Picture Ausur® for Shape of Water is just the tip of the iceberg. Keep your dial set right here because there's so much more to come! No pun intended.