Friday, November 30, 2018

PseudoScience Friday: Maybe Tomorrow, Maybe Someday

Well, the P.T. Barnum Memorial Permanent Moon Base Roadshow pulled into town again and performed its song and dance for bored reporters. I'm not sure why this old saw was pulled out of the toolbox but it seems to me this act plays to smaller crowds every time it takes the stage.

Guess it's true. You can't fool all of the people all of the time.

You do know I'm older than dirt, so I've basically spent a half-century being told by NASA that Clavius Base is just around the corner and young lovers will able to actually honeymoon on the Moon soon.

I mean, I was hearing this corny spiel back when I was a just a wee wane. My dad actually splashed cold water on my astro-dreams when I was about 8 or so when he told me there will never be a base on the Moon. 

Of course he'd had a few screwdrivers so I just laughed it off at the time. But now I'm beginning to suspect he was right. 

But hope springs eternal: they'll lay my ashes to rest at Mare Crisium yet.

"Fake Moon Dust." Isn't that redundant, like "fake space agency?" LOL jk

I do wonder why they don't just use real Moon dust, though. After all, the Apollo boys brought what, a metric ton of the stuff back with them? Don't bogart the Moon-dust, NASA.

Damn, it's too bad they knocked off Michael Crichton passed away. Being a Harvard-trained physician and all he might have been able to lend a hand with this dilemma.

And this just in, a new image from a... OK. Listen, I'm sorry; this is so stupid any stupid wisecrack I could make about it would pale in comparison.

Given how big NASA is into the merch and the swag lately I do wonder if, after all is said and done, it's not so much a space agency as it is just To The Stars Academy with a multi-billion budget. 

Note it's Apollo 17. Why 17? I guess we'll never know. Maybe we should ask Tom DeLonge.

I love to tease NASA, but I kid because I love. I mean they did just land a robot on a permafrost plain in Greenland Mars, so that's something, right? I mean, nothing ritualistic there, right?

And these bloody-red Christmas trees Melania--who is absolutely, positively not an adept in any kind of witchcraft at all, so stop asking-- just happened to put up in the White House had no connection with the "Mars" landing at all. So stop asking.

And hey: how about those funny stupid people at Vogue with the corny allusions to their favorite escapist fantasy program? You know, the one about the mathematically-impossible future they fixate on so they don't have to confront the mathematically-probable future they're actually afraid of? Funny stupid people.

Stupid people are funny.  

44 years, eh? Wow. That's an interesting anniversary to be calling on our fast-approaching Lyran overlords our space alien friends, don't you think? What's so all-important about 44? It's a real mystery, I suppose.

Or maybe this must be why I'm thinking of the Vegas. Share your opinion in the comments.

I know we're all strapped for time, what with the holidays and all, so I'll capsulize: the onboard A.I. crashed that plane.  

Ah, our Communist chums in China "forcing" yet another corporation to bend to its totalitarian whims. So when those very same totalitarian whims are put into practice over here, those corporations can shrug their shoulders and apologize and blame China for everything.

Hey bro, we didn't want to turn over all your private data to some hideous, unaccountable bureaucracy but we have to harmonize our programming and junk.

Sorry, dude. We're still besties, right?

But who needs Communist China when you have no-longer-even-remotely-great Britain, right? "Raises privacy concerns!" That's adorable. 

I hear the Swedes are big into microchipping because of course they are. What hellish Orwellian agenda isn't Sweden big into?

Got you there, didn't I? I know, it's a real brain-teaser.

A lot of folks have been asking me about this. I'm as stumped as anyone, though. I guess if you held a gun to my head I'd guess it had something to do with, y'know, the Apocalypse.

Especially given the fact that it seemed to emanate from Mayotte, whose flag has those familiar seahorse motifs we all have come to associate with... well, you know. Don't make me dredge all that up again. I'm saving it for a future post.

Speaking of the Shimmer, a bright pink light was captured on video by a fisherman. Apparently this Pink light looked vaguely like a Viking ship, believe it or not. No word if it was Opaque yet.

In other Shimmer news, the Ocean is more terrifying than your worst-ever nightmares. No wonder ol' HPL there was so terrified of it.  It's all the more so now that the Shimmer is messing around down under there. I think maybe Howard was a little ahead of the curve, Jack Kirby-style.

The Shimmer isn't just gettin' jiggy with it in Davy Jones' Locker, it's also messing around with the livestock. Other mammals as well. Lots of anomalous all-white creatures showing up lately. No word yet if they also have glowing prismy Shimmer-bits all over them.

Maybe the Shimmer doesn't show up on video all that clearly. Or it simply hasn't manifested yet.

No word if this tragic event was Shimmer-related. If you held a gun to my head, I might guess it was, but with the "Mason Bay" thing it might be something else. Something to do with Leviathan or Tiamat or whatever. I can't keep track of it all anymore.

But yeah-- Mason Bay, meet Pearl Island. Oh, you know each other already? Small world.

I got nothing. Sorry, sometimes this ritualistic crap just stumps me.

Really? Why is that? Is there something behind this rise in mortality? What could be causing these deaths?

Oh. Right.  

Well, there's a shocker. A show glamorizing teen suicide is increasing the risk of teen suicide? How can this be? Why, I never!

Next thing you know you'll be telling me that Purdue Pharmaceuticals knew that Oxycontin was addictive and deadly and covered it up.


Oh, cruel stars! Must every illusion be shattered? 

Google now? Is there any tech titan not planning to eliminate mosquitoes worldwide? I guess it's best to start small, right? Alpha-testing, I believe it's called.

Why's that? Not performing as well in the field as they did in the lab? Back to Plum Island with the lot of them! ROTFLMAO jk

Well, back where I come from, that's what they call locking the barn door after the Shimmer-mutated two-headed pony is gone.

Once the tech exists, it will follow its own path. Of course there's the added bonus of prohibition putting this kind of engineering out of the proles' reach. Not that it would ever be within their-- or rather, our-- reach to begin with.

Tough shit, us.  

Of course, I'm sure all this CRISPR business will be all gumdrops and cotton candy and nothing will ever, ever go wrong. I mean, isn't that the way science always works?

Pharmaceuticals never produce unforeseen side effects. Chemicals released into the environment never cause cancer. Attempts to alleviate a problem with one species by introducing another into its environment has never led to disaster.

What are you, anti-science? What are you, Alex Jones or something? Think the frogs are turning gay or some shit? OK then. STFU.

So all you proles and incels, get busy with those sexbots. We need that air your progeny would be breathing for Humanity 2.0.

But hey, have you fellas met Tiffany? She will rock your world! Take her for a spin, bro!

What a dumb article. No one eats people for nutrition. They do it because taboo violation is H-O-T hot! Plus, delicious.

So what do you think? Is this stuff cannibal chic? Cannibal entrainment? Submit your answer in the comments.

For mice, maybe. But seeing how this is already the usual American diet, I'd say not so much for humans.

Finally, this is what the kids used to call an "epic troll." Doing a hit piece on conspiracy theorists backed by a set that looks like Albert Pike's favorite absinthe 'n' laudanum hallucination? Is the way that anchorman is holding that envelope meant to symbolize his favorite York Rite apron?

He should have worn it. It would have looked really snazzy with all that Blue 'n' Gold.


The Secret Sun Institute of Advanced Synchromysticism is waiting for you to take the next step in your synchro-journey. Come level up.

And don't forget the all-night 90s lotus party over at SHRR. We're presently up to 1998.