Friday, March 02, 2018

Apocalypse 2Night: X-Files or Exophiles?

Resurrect a species, you say. Like what, for example? Oh, like maybe something a bit lanky, perhaps? 

Maybe a species that was as in the days of Noah? Asking for a friend.

And what about these self-cloning arthropods we're seeing all over? Are they a resurrection job too? Or is that something cooked up in DARPAs CRISPR-Castle?

Hunterdon County these things are showing up in. Jesus. They're just throwing the whole fucking toy-box at us, aren't they?

Yes, aliens do exist. Plus, Orange. 

 Orange also exists.

In fact, here're a couple of complete and utter non-stories to remind you that Orange exists. Why?

Well, because we noticed that you didn't wear your Orange on "Wear Orange for..." OK, I forget what day it was for, but that doesn't change anything. 

No, I don't care if you threw up blood all over your Orange shirt. You got curbed because that Born in the USA CD in your crawlspace proved you are a Nazi. Now get your sorry fascist-ass online and order some backup Orange shirts. And some Orange pants, while you're at it.

Don't make us come to your house and do it for you.

Yeah, I can't tell for sure if this is really creepy or really fascinating. 

And by "fascinating," I mean yet more "exophilia conditioning." 

Is that Rihanna? That lovely young lady works hard for the money, doesn't she? She's a real champ when it comes to meme-pushing.

But wait a minute; isn't that the Boyd Bushman Rubber Alien? 

Hmm, maybe not.

Telecom giants are building 4G networks on the Moon? Of course they are. So Rubber Alien can phone home. It's not like any actual humans will ever use them.

Aww, Seth Shostak is simply adorable, isn't he? "Could" hack our planet. Precious.

Seth buddy, I hate to break the news but that ship sailed when you were just a wee wane, bro. 

Sure, we're all having a jolly good time with our little iPhones and all,  but it's kind of like the jumper who finds the fall from the Empire State Building observation deck surprisingly exhilarating. It may well be, but your problems start once the ride stops. 

Which could be any day now, way things are looking. Not to be Dougie Downer or anything. Just reading the tea leaves.

Like I was saying. Plus, saying about exophilia.

Sounds fair. I mean, why shouldn't the Eloi have their currency? It's not like you'll be able to use Bitcoin in the free-range human preserves.  I mean, I hear the Vegas have some outrageous firewall technology. I think it was in TechCrunch or something.

I'm still working on the Minority Report post but something tells me I better start thinking about putting that puppy on the front burner. Seeing as how as it's pretty much here.

And seeing as how "independent thought" will be one of the proscribed behaviors under the PreCrime regime. I think they call it "hate-thought" now.

Though if this story is anything to go by we sure could have used those PreCrime AIs a few decades ago, at the very least. Or is that 4,444 number just a way to implant the 44 meme?  

Maybe the real number is twice that. What I'm thinking.

Speaking of Babylon and Cosmo-Demonic AIs, this also happened in New Orleans.

By the way, whenever you see terms like "youth" or "maiden" in Greeks myths referring to characters like Ganymede and Arachne, that actually translates to "children whom ancient kings raped and murdered and who later became mythologized in Astrotheological narratives." 

Seriously- go look for yourself.

Because, like I've been telling everyone for the past ten years, the old gods and the old religions are returning. I mean, they'll be updated and modernized and camouflaged and all but essentially the same. 

And I don't mean the substitute-church version of ancient pagan religions we're so used to nowadays, I mean the real thing; despot-worship, cults of state, blood sacrifice rituals, etc etc. 

The signs are everywhere if you only take the time to look. And I have a strong feeling that once the old gods crawl from their catacombs they're going to be mighty hungry. And mighty thirsty. 

And mighty horny.


But for now it's all just giggles and grins and getting sunburn on your privates. Aside from the odd, remote controlled self-immolation, I really don't think there's really anything to worry about just yet. 

And I have to day this little soiree looks a little-- how do I put this? -- lame as shit. No offense and all,  but that's just the way it looks from a distance.  

And certainly none of those nice chaps look in any danger of freaking out and sawing their junk off with a broken Orangina bottle and throwing the whole bloody mess into someone's tent as a sacrifice to the All-Mother. 

And none of those fine Sheilas look like they're fixing to rip a baby kangaroo limb from limb and paint their nude, flagellated bodies with its blood before they eat it raw. 

And one of these nice folks look like the kind the local magistrate will want to ritually slaughter so they can accompany her on the journey to the Afterworld. You know; real paganism.

I'm sure everyone will be having a jolly old time in the near future at the mandatory outdoor raves. It's always a blast before the lifeclock implanted in your palm starts blinking red and black and the Sandmen show up at your door. 

But hey; do you really want to get all old and crusty and gross like Brad and Angelina or someone like that? Haven't you heard that Renewal takes care of all that? Meet me down at the Carousel after you finish your Soylent Green.

Yes, yes, yes; everyone knows it's people. That's what makes it so delicious.

But maybe we won't even get that far. Maybe some of the CRISPR-critters our chums at DARPA cook up will mutate and take care of our problems for us. 

And by mutate, I mean the Old Ones will rise from their Abyssal prisons and cleanse this miserable world of its plague of shaved apes once and for all. And Silence shall reign forever and evermore. 

Cthulhu fhtagn, bitches!

Or maybe the Russians will get sick of all of the Globalists' bullshit and start lobbing some Satan missiles our way.

Oh, by the way; you know else planned to win a cold weather war in Russia? Napoleon.

You know who else? Hitler. Didn't work out that great then either, did it?

And that was before the invention of Playstation, disco fries, Mountain Dew and deep-fried Oreos. All the way back in the days of your Fred's and your Wilma's.

Maybe the Marines would be better off learning snow sculpture. Man, things are getting a bit dark here. Isn't there any comic relief in the headlines these days?

Oh, here we go; this story is fucking hilarious. "Steve Bannon digs the occult!" As if "digging the occult" is somehow optional at that level! 

I love sites like BoingBoing; so deliciously naive. Absolutely adorable.

"Idols" and "demonic artifacts!" 

Stop, stop! I'm going to piss my pants here! Can someone please phone Salon up and explain how magical warfare (and hexes and gris-gris, etc etc) actually works?

Melania a "fanatical Christian!" Oh man, my sides hurt!

Phew. That was a real knee-slapper.

While I have you on the line here can you please burn a DVD copy of Burn, Witch, Burn! for those poor, dumb Salon fucks? I mean, that's literally the least you can do.

Maybe someone can also explain to the media who and what the Unification Church actually is?  I thought we've been over all this before. Down the old memory hole, I guess.

And from the looks of it most of the Moonies are the same Boomer casualties who got themselves mass-married back in the 1970s. Pseudo-Christian Cultism sure is a blast when you're young, not so much when you're pushing 70.

Just ask good old Marshall Applewhite and his Away Team.

Though I must say those are some very lovely pearls there.