Wednesday, February 02, 2022

NFL-im Fever: Orange You Gonna Watch the Šurpu Bowl?

Well, it's that time of year, folks: time for the NFLim to put on their Big Game, Šurpu Bowl LVI. This year features the Cincinnatus Aions vs. the Los Anakim Amuns. In other words, the Saturnians vs. the Jupiterians. 

It's going to be an exciting game. But as always, the real winner will be the same as the past 55 Šurpu Bowls: Freemery. Also, Watcher worshippers. 

Catch NFL-im fever!

Now, I'm not going to predict the outcome, but I have to say that Orange is not the surefire charm it once was. The Orange Astros were defeated at this past year's World Ceres by the Atlantis Braves, who sought the blessings of the Oracle of Heaven with their strings of Pearly Dewdrops'. 

Needless to say, their petitions were efficacious. 

That said, you've got two very tough hosts of NFLim from two highly-Freemish cities. But it is written that only one host may partake in the Sacred Procession of the Crowned and Conquering Testicle. 

The world waits with bated breath: who will get to kiss, caress and fondle the mighty Testicle of Victory this year, the Aions or the Amuns? 

Answer: the Mighty Men of Renown most duly observant of the proper ritual invocations! 

Obviously, the Cincinnatus Aions might find favor in the Year of the Tiger. Did you know the word "tiger" stems from Tigris, the name of the mighty river of Ancient Babylonia? It seems too obvious, right? 

Well, obvious is what the 2020s are all about, friend. Get used to obvious.

What I really want to know is this: are the Council of Nine faction of the Watchers-Who-Kept-Not-Their-First-Estate rooting for the Aions? Let's look at this fellow's ladylove for a clue:
Who is Joe Burrow’s girlfriend Olivia Holzmacher?

Holzmacher was born in Mason, Ohio to parents Susan and John Holzmacher, where she attended Mason High School and played volleyball, according to

Mason, Ohio! Priceless! On the square, Brother Joe. On the square, indeed! 

The Mithraic faction of the overclass will surely be rooting for the Cincinnatus Aions, since Mithras and Marduk were bunkmates in Babylon. Aeon Leontocephalus may have a lion head - hence the name - but lions and tigers are interchangeable when it comes to ritual observance on account of most people in the ancient empires of the West didn't even know what a tiger was.

Napoleon Dynamite fans know all about ligers, but there's also such thing as a tigon. The former have lion dads and the latter have tiger pops. 

So next time some little dweeb gets all up in your semiotic grill and gets all smart-alecky about lions aren't tigers bla-bla-bla, just slap the insufferable piss-stain down with these rather large fellows and send his bony ass running back to his fake Babymetal hentai.

If lions and tigers can mate, they're the same damn thing. Just with different markings

Cincinnatus is a strange city. Ultra-Woke carcinogen mongers consumer products giant Proctor&Gamble has its Twin-towered HQ there. If those towers look a bit ritualistic to you, you're not alone.

My first thought is the Twin towers looked a bit Etemenanki - appropriately since Enki allegedly created the Tigris River in the first place - but on closer inspection, I'd say they're loosely based on the Mausoleum of Halicarnassus, a popular model for all kinds of edifices of a Freemly nature.

A different spin on the template is shown at the Scottish Rite HQ in Washington, for instance.

UPDATE: Rawmike points this out! Priceless! Classic!

Of course, there's a lot of interfamilial crossover with the sacred symbols: Proctor & Gamble's old logo pays due and proper obeisance to Jupiter Amun. Folks say Amway spread the rumor that it was Satan, but even Amway people aren't stupid enough to believe anyone but mental cases, perverts and losers actually worship something called "Satan." 
Anyway, if we follow Knowles' First Law, it logically follows that P&G execs spread that rumor themselves. Either as a signal to fellow Jupiterians or maybe just a troll. Or perhaps as a way to disseminate their heavenly overlord's visage far and wide in the tabloids. 

The Los Anakim Amuns make no bones as to who's top dog in their book. Or ram, as the case may be. Jupiter granted them dominion and conquest over the San Ashurbanipal For-the-Nine's, so they clearly chose the stronger and more generous god. 

Shrewd, Amuns, shrewd!

Make no mistake, friend: the Amuns think subtlety is for sissies. They wear their master's horns like a crown and fly their blue-and-gold Freem flag high. No half-stepping with this lot, believe it. Later for that nonsense, Cowans!

Perhaps the Amuns can celebrate at the Babylon Gate if their overlord grants them victory. The free-falling film industry sure as hell has no use for it anymore.

Let me close with this benediction: May the most devout tribe of NFLim crush their enemies, see them driven before them and hear the lamentations of their cheerleaders!
Helpful hint to the Men of NFLim Renown: folks say the Watchers get a little hungry this time of year, if you catch my drift. I heard tell they prefer veal, if you get my meaning. Good luck!


Which host of NFLim are you cheering for? Tell us in the Den.


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