Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Apocalypse Tonight: Saddle Up, Horsemen!

Well, I told y'all that something big was coming just in time for the Lyrid meteor showers but I never dreamed it would be World War Three!

With the Skripal poisoning narrative collapsing under its own weight, another sarin attack was launched at the worst possible time for the Syrian government. Whatever were those pesky fellows thinking? Must be just plain meanness on Assad's part, eh? Meanie.

Why haven't you died yet, Newsweek? Go die already.

I mean, after Assad crushed the puppet terrorist gangs brave freedom fighters (that nearly brought yet another secular Arab regime to utter ruin) and was rebuilding his tortured land, why would he lob poison gas bombs at some provincial backwater of no discernible importance? 

Just nasty, I guess. Nasty Freddie Mercury-looking meanie.

But have no fear! Our intrepid and very, very intelligent President Trump took some time out from his super-secret Storm swamp-draining-- just you watch, that cabal is going to crumble any day now!-- to assemble a coalition of habitual invaders of other people's countries peace-loving stalwarts like the UK, France, Israel and Saudi Arabia to liberate Syria from that bloodthirsty dentist that rules his subjects with an iron fist. It's a virtual Justice League! Let the massacres begin!

Those pesky Iraqis Libyans Yemenis Syrians and their dastardly WMDs! Man, that's what I love about Trump-- he's got a feel for the classics. Something works you stick with it, right? Man, it's like Operation Desert Whatever the Fuck all over again! 

Let me just pull out this jam out of mothballs for all y'all, just so's we can really get that Spring 2003 flavor....

Oh man, wasn't that a time? DSL, flip-phones, Hybrid Theory, Lost, Battlestar, Lord of the Rings, a meaningless and corrosive war that silently powderized our last remaining shards of national unity and planted the seeds for the endless clusterfuck the country is enjoying now, and that deathless classic of cinema, The Matrix Reloaded? 

Man, where's that time machine of mine? 

Here it is! Winning! 

Wow, who'd believe that a tune about bombing the shit out of Middle Eastern countries that never did us any harm would be still relevant 15 years later? Prescient!

And as a bonus, here's another moldy oldie from those halcyon days! Disturbing!

Hey, it's Double Play Wednesday! Two bloodthirsty war-criminals for the price of one! Satan-o-licious!

Don't worry, we have the God-Emperor on the case! He'll show that backstabbin' Putin pussy who the real Alpha Male is! He'll kick ass on that Putin pansy and his creepy, Freddie Mercury-looking dentist buddy!

It'll be a cakewalk, just you watch! The Syrians will throw flowers at our feet! Faster, please!


...or not. Or maybe that's the point, I dunno.

Well, don't worry; those whipsmart Valley boys are on it like Blue Bonnet! Technology "trumps" all, don't it? So what if Russia has all kinds of secret hardware we weren't aware of? 

AI will save us! In...ten years or so.

Wait; I think I saw that movie already. I don't think that all worked out so hot.

Golly, I do hope that's not why the Zuck looked more petrified than I can recall anyone ever looking when testifying in front of Congress. 

Or why Internet giant inserted a creepy image of a skull-shaped asteroid into a puff piece about the Lyrids.

Or why, as a FB member pointed out, the Duchess or Princess or whatever of Wales or York or wherever wore some huge-ass Pearls roughly in the formation of Lyra.

Don't you go and worry now-- those Russians talk a big game but I don't think they're so tough. Sure, they look all mean and nasty but the bigger they are the harder they fall, right? 

I mean, can those Commie bastards withstand a withering onslaught from our brave young lads here in the free world? I think not. 

Tofu's on me, boys!