To the surprise of absolutely no single living soul on the planet Earth, the latest reboot of Charlie's Angels is an unmitigated towering-clown-orgy-inferno of a disaster.
Worse, it followed hot on the heels of an even greater wipeout for Terminator: Dark Fate, the latest in a string of box office catastrophes for post-#MeToo Hollywood.
The casting for this film-- even in the context of 2019 Hollywood-- is utterly inexplicable.
The original Angels were idealized adult beauties of the old school variety and the movie versions were girlish GenX hipsters, but these new promo photos look less action film hype and more like a high school gym teacher inadvertently posting evidence of her Mann Act-violating desert getaway with her two favorite sophomore volleyball players on Instagram.
You all know how exasperated I am with Hollywood pimping 85-pound sprites as action heroes, but this really reaches a new low.
See, the one thing I hope to all the stars in Heaven I never witness is any of these sylphs engaged in a real fistfight with the kinds of hulks Hollywood has them battling. Even the most mediocre boxer would literally cave these poor pixies' faces in with a single punch, if not actually knock their heads off their necks.
Superhero movies are one thing, but this insanity borders on incitement to mayhem.
EVERYTHING'S BROKEN
Stars don't work anymore, time-honored franchises don't work anymore, giant CGI budgets don't work anymore. If anyone in that town has an original idea in their brains they are terrified to let anyone know about it.
More and more movies are losing more and more money and no one has a single clue how to turn it around. To make matters worse, the deluge of cultural studies majors flooding into town has brought with it a particularly virulent strain of Woke.
And so you have had an epidemic of one-way race and gender swapping and ersatz feminism in various established properties, as well as a very weird tactic of lashing out at internet straw-men when plugging your very, very costly revamp of someone else's creative work.
For the most part, this tactic has led to unmitigated financial cataclysm. Which of course means that it will be used in perpetuity.
Financial failure is never punished in Hollywood. If you lose hundreds of millions of dollars for the right reasons, you will never want for work.
And so it was with this turkey, in which pseudo-feminist rhetoric was breezily spouted by hyper-privileged Hollywood hotties falling out of their designer dresses and room-temperature IQ'd stenographers drooling over every syllable.
This is the quintessence of late Capitalist/pre-Imperial-collapse prerogative. Contradictions are not exceptions, they are hidebound dictats enforced by career-crushing punishments.
But being a player in Hollywood means you never - ever - have to take a single shred of responsibility for losing hundreds of millions of someone else's money.
Take Charlie's Angel's star Kristen Stewart, for example. She's lost untold millions of dollars since the Twilight series ended and will probably lose another $50M with this bomb.
Does it matter? Of course not. Studios will be falling all over each other to sacrifice more untold millions on her altar.
Stewart's unbroken string of calamitous failure since the last Twilight movie has done nothing to humble the actress or to tame her compulsions to alienate potential movie-goers.
And why should it?
She's deliriously wealthy, never needs to work another day in fifty lifetimes, and knows that there will always be a daisy-chain of producers on her doorstep, just itching to throw their investor's millions down a bottomless rathole.
And what does it really matter anyway? Most of the industry is biding time before the Chinese buy up most of the studios, a process that is already well underway. Why not enjoy the party before it all comes to a screeching halt?
This got me to thinking. Which, seeing as how my brains work wrong, is always dangerous.
It's like this: there are all kinds of debates and arguments about Woke on the Internet by a lot of people much smarter than I am.
But what if they're arguing about the wrong things?
CONSIDER THIS...
What if Woke isn't some spontaneous eruption of revolutionary fervor or even some insidious plan by secret Sorosoids to color-revolutionize America?
What if Woke is a kind of virus, concocted, purified and unleashed by parties unknown who wish to collapse all the opinion-forming institutions in America?
Consider that while some Americans might see these institutions as bastions of liberalism, many other people around the world see them as nothing more than propaganda arms for the brutal US war- and debt-making machines.
So what if Woke was really engineered to destroy Hollywood, the news media, the universities and Silicon Valley from within?
Sounds crazy, right?
Well, it only sounds crazy until you look at the K2 of corpses Woke has left in its wake.
YOU WILL KNOW WOKE BY THE TRAIL OF ITS DEAD
Let's start with the primordial spawning ground of Woke, the liberal arts colleges and programs. It was here the most unhinged 60s fringesters were allowed to find sanctuary after COINTELPRO turned its gimlet eye towards the movement.
And it was literally at these very schools that the groundwork for intersectionalism, postmodernism and all the other proto-Woke contagions first festered. Things went great guns for a while, but the piper always comes to collect his/her/their/xer due.
Avert your eyes if you're the squeamish type.
Then let's look at the burning zones of Woke such as Oberlin, Antioch, Evergreen and Mizzou...
The so-called Mainline Churches were early Woke adopters, and the results have been uniformly Hellish.
Nearly all of them are at knocking at Heaven's door, having shed tens of millions of parishioners. Hard luck, folks.
THE FINAL BLOODBATH'S COMING, IT'S JUST AROUND THE CORNER
Next, let's look at what's been the primary infectious vector for the Woke virus in the past few years, online media sites.
Get your galoshes on: the blood is flowing like a river for these Wokelords and Wokeladies.
That's just a sampler. And it will only get worse as what's left of the VC money dries up.
What about Tumblr, the Wokest Woke that ever Waked? The Patient Zero of the Woke Pandemic?
Yikes.
What about Wokelord print publishing? I can think of two examples from the world of comics, imprints that guzzled the Everwoke straight out of the bottle.
What about the plague of awards shows, where it's now required that mind-controlled multimillionaires take the stage to harangue and harass ordinary Americans hoping against hope to make rent next month?
What about the push for the Woke on TV?
What about comedy?
What about the esteem our media critics' opinions are held in?
And what happens to some of America's most popular brands when their executives start gobbling handfuls of blue Wokeodin tablets?
What about some of the Wokenests of metastasized hyper-privilege like Wokeifornia and Seattle, Wokeington?
Hmm, not so great.
What about hyper-Woke Canada and its closet-Klansman* Premier Justin Trudeau? How are things going up there?
I thought so.
How about the People's Insane Asylum of Wokestan (formerly known as Sweden)? How are they doing?
* Poisonous closet racism is the quintessence of Woke, as many of you know. How about the People's Insane Asylum of Wokestan (formerly known as Sweden)? How are they doing?
As expected.
This is all just a tiny sampler of the suicidal power of the Slo-Mo Jonestown known as Woke. I hate to say so, but despite the endless carnage and the road-tested autophagic character of Wokeness I see no end in sight.
Pandemics have their own genius and burn their own paths. And unfortunately, America's cognitive elites have well and truly proven themselves to have neither the cunning nor the wherewithal to stand up effectively against Wokeness. Ironically so, since in many ways they unleashed the virus in the first place, believing it would decimate their enemies and leave their own citadels standing.
And if they can't even stand up to a relatively tiny handful of shut-ins on Twitter, do you really think they can stand up to the neck-snapping iron men currently running China?
I guess the moral of this story is start learning Mandarin, kids.
Wokeness is like farts. If someone smelt the bigotry everywhere, they almost always dealt it.
SNIFF SOME COMMENTS HERE
